


Numb

by anxious_soul



Series: Destiel Words from Table Prompt [3]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe- No Supernatural, Crying Dean Winchester, Dean Needs A Hug, Dean Swears, Dean Winchester Has a Crush on Castiel, F/M, Heartbroken Dean Winchester, Kissing, Language, M/M, Sad Dean Winchester, Sad with a Happy Ending, Self-Esteem Issues, Smart Dean Winchester
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-30
Updated: 2018-04-30
Packaged: 2019-04-30 03:22:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,796
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14487741
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anxious_soul/pseuds/anxious_soul
Summary: Dean has had a crush on Castiel Novak for years, never acting on it though. But when he sees Cas making out with Meg Master's, he deals with a whole load of heartache. Will Cas learn about Dean's feelings? Will Cas reciprocate them?





	Numb

**Author's Note:**

> So this is for the third word 'Numb'
> 
> I will admit I kind of went overboard on this, so it probably isn't that good. I guess I got too into it and forgot the whole purpose, oops!

**003 Numb**

Dean stood there leaning against his Impala as he waited for his brother to get out of class, knowing the Freshman was more than likely talking to his teacher about homework or some extra work. Sammy was after all the brains of the two, he had potential.

Finally, the younger boy came out and headed over to his Senior brother. A big grin stretched across his face as he got to the car, Dean smiled back as Sam started talking a mile a minute about class and how he had gotten 100% in English. Dean couldn’t have been any prouder of his little brother.

As the green-eyed man started the car, before placing his hand on the back of Sam’s seat and turning his head to start reversing, something caught the corner of his eye through the back windshield. Focusing on the object -or rather people that his eyes had locked on to, Dean felt his heart stop. There he was. Castiel Novak, Dean’s best friend and his crush, stood pushing Meg Master’s, a girl who was either an utter bitch or nice to you, against his car and making out. People were stopping to stare at the couple as they were rough and sexual against one another. Dean watched as they finally broke away to breathe, a string of saliva connected them as their cheeks were red and flustered. Dean caught sight of Cas’ blue eyes, his beautiful emotive eyes were darkened with lust. Something inside of Dean broke. It was his heart. Revving the engine loudly, Dean spun out of his parking spot, turned roughly (knowing his baby could take it) before he sped out of the school. As the older Winchester drove them home, he could feel Sam’s worried gaze on him. Dean turned to his brother, giving him an attempted smile that only came out as a grimace. Sam knew his brother was gay -or at least bisexual and he knew Dean had a crush on Cas. Therefore, he knew that his brother’s heart had just been broken.

 

**——LINE BREAK——**

 

As they arrived home, their mother greeted them with a loving smile like she always did. Sam went over to hug her, but Dean just walked straight to his room, paying little to no attention to his family and their concerned looks. Throwing his school bag on his bed, Dean headed over to the bathroom for a shower. Turning the water up high, he let the boiling water burn his skin as he scrubbed. Allowing the water to hide his sobs and tears. Finally exiting the bathroom with a towel wrapped around his waist, his hands clenched as he held it up. Throwing on a t-shirt and some boxers, he scrubbed his hair with the towel, before getting into bed and pulling the duvet cover up to his hips. With his back facing the rest of his room, Dean allowed his eyes to look out of the window that was conveniently next to his bed, so he could look out the window as he fell asleep and if he angled his body right, he could look up at the sky. The window also gave him a good view of Castiel’s house. See they lived across the road and ever since Cas' family moved in, the two families got on well with them. Often going over to each other's houses for dinner and/or drinks. 

Minutes turned into hours as Dean stared unseeingly out the window. His mind scrambled with millions of thoughts. His eyes became glassy as they teared up. He held them in, refusing to let them fall until he could no longer contain them and they were suddenly cascading down his cheeks in a waterfall of heartache and heartbreak.

“Why am I not good enough?” Dean whispered to himself, truth be told, Dean didn’t even know if Cas was into guys. Yet all the heartbroken teenager could do was compare himself to Meg Masters along with all the other classmates who were seemingly better options than Dean. “Is it because I am too stupid? I only get C’s and the occasional D, I’m nowhere near smart enough, Sam’s the smart one, the successful one, the pride of the family.” He sniffled, “Is it because I’m nothing but a loud mouth fool who is annoying and buried too deep in self-loathing? Should I be quiet? Should I be smart?” He was so confused, “Is it because my personality is too…horrible? Should I change?” He looked up at the darkening sky, “I can change. I could read more. Study more. Talk less.” He knew you should never change yourself to make someone like you, but by this point, Dean was too far gone in his self-loathing, he felt he needed to change to make people like him and make him dateable…even if people were constantly throwing themselves at him, but that was only because of his appearance, not his personality.

 

**——LINE BREAK——**

 

“Dean. Can I come in?” Called his mother about ten minutes after his small speech to himself. Mary had sent Sam up to check on Dean, to ask him if he wanted some dinner, but Sam didn’t get any further than to the door where he listened to Dean without his brother knowing. The tall and lanky teenage then went running downstairs, telling his parents what he heard before Mary decided to go up. She got no response and decided to go in. Taking a seat on the side of the bed, she stroked his hair, “Honey, what’s wrong?” Though she knew the issue already, she wanted him to tell her.

“I’m a fool.” He croaked out to her, eyes remaining fixed on his window,

“No, you aren’t.” 

“I am. I fell for someone who was never mine.”  
  
“Dean, you don’t know that. He could feel the same.”  
  
“It’s Cas.”  
  
“I know, sweetheart. I always have, you look at him with too much adoration for you to not love him.”

“I saw him kissing Meg Masters. They looked seconds away from having sex.” He whispered, leaning into his mother's touch. Mary was unsure of what to say, but Dean continued “Ever since they moved across the street, I’ve been in love with Cas.” He sat up suddenly, turning away from the window and instead he was facing the wall at the end of his bed, where a TV was attached. 

“Oh, sweetheart.” She murmured, turning her body so she could hug her son, gently pushing him to her chest.

“It’s pathetic -I’m pathetic! Here I am bawling and crying my heart out like some teenage girl. He was never mine and still watching him kiss her broke my heart.”

“Sweetheart, it’s not pathetic. It’s life. You’ll be fine.” She said hugging him tightly. He eventually drifted off to sleep in his mothers comforting arms. Mary gently manoeuvred out of his arms, tucking him under the covers before closing his curtains and walking out of his room and to the lounge where the rest of the family was.

 

**——LINE BREAK——**

 

Sam was busy distracting himself with his homework as his dad watched the news. The moment Mary came downstairs, the two jumped up, demanding answers.

“He’s heartbroken. He saw Castiel kissing some girl and he’s in love with Cas.” John snorted, he had known that his son was in love with the Shirley-Novak boy,

“I thought Castiel was in love with Dean…” Sam thought out loud, not realising he had said anything,

“What do you mean?” Mary asked 

“Oh, did I say that out loud?” Sam questioned, eyes wide, “I mean I’ve seen the way Cas looks at Dean and then there’s the weird eye-sex thing they do. But…I also heard from Gabriel that Cas has whispered to himself about being in love with Dean. Though, Cas has never actually come out and said this…but still.”

“I see…” Mary murmured thoughtfully 

 

**——LINE BREAK——**

 

The following day, Dean and Sam headed to school. Sam couldn’t help but glance over at his brother, worry etched across his young face as the car remained silence. No music blaring from the radio as usual and no crazy and loving brother singing along. Knowing anything he said would probably cause an argument between them, Sam simply patted his arm in a gesture of comfort, before heading to his first lesson. Though he paused and looked over to his brother on the way several times and was sad to see the older boy with his head down, knuckles tightly clutching his satchel full of school books as he himself headed to his first lesson instead of meeting his friends in their usual area. Sam could see Charlie and Benny both looking over at the back of Dean’s head with concerned expressions. When they spotted Sam looking, they sent questioning looks his way, to which he gestured with his eyes towards Cas and Meg who were once again making out.

 

Everyone was surprised by Dean’s quietness, no one was sure how to react. He didn’t laugh or smile when Benny told a joke, nor did he smirk when Balthazar made a dirty comment about a cheerleaders cleavage. He barely even acknowledged Charlie when she said she had tickets for the newest Marvel movie, one that Dean had been looking forward to seeing since it was first announced the previous year. All he did was look through his school books, writing notes in them and using sticky notes. During lunch he did the same, only this time, he would occasionally reach out and take a bite of his apple. As the week went by, Dean remained the same. Quiet, shy and seemingly self-conscious as he studied away. Castiel, however, was the only one not to notice, so he was confused by the glares he was getting from Dean’s friends.

 

**——LINE BREAK——**

****A month and a half had passed.

“Dean, we’re all going to Chuck’s house for dinner tonight.” His mum called as Dean walked inside their house after school. With a sigh, Dean nodded his head knowing he wouldn’t be able to get out of going. Up in his room, Dean took a shower before throwing on some jeans and a white t-shirt that had ‘MARVEL’ across the chest, the block-shaped words were filled with the faces of the Avengers, comic style. 

The family of four walked over to the Shurley-Novak household, Luke opened the door for them, smiling at the family before going to join his twin and younger brothers in the living room. The evening was quieter than normal; Chuck, Mary and John discussing whatever adults talk about. Luke, Gabe and Sam were having an interesting conversation about what university life was like. Michael was talking with Dean about school whilst Castiel was messing on his phone much to his father's disproval. 

  
“So, Dean,” Luke started as the six boys headed to the ‘game room’ -which was just a room with a pool table, a large flatscreen TV and plenty of comfortable beanbags- to leave the adults talking and drinking in the kitchen. “Your mother tells me that your grades have recently shot up. I believe you’re getting A’s and A-stars, which is amazing. Any particular reason as to why you’ve suddenly changed?”

“Not really. I just felt that I should try to be…” He paused, not wanting to finish the sentence, but none of them would have it and managed to squeeze the sentence out of the boy, “I felt that I needed to change…I guess. Become a better son and person, someone that makes my parents proud.” Dean avoided looking at them,

“You sure there’s no other reason, kiddo?” Gabe murmured with a grin that began to make Dean worry,

“No, no. That’s it.” Dean replied rather hastily,

“So it’s not because of someones new relationship? Not because you’re in love with a certain someone, you saw making out with someone else.” Dean’s hands were tightly clenched in his lap as he looked down at them, 

“I don’t know what you’re on about.” 

“I think you do, though. You know _he_ loves you too?” The ‘he’ caught Castiel’s attention so…Dean was gay, Cas couldn’t help but smile at that thought. “I’m fairly certain he just went out with her simply because he himself wanted to hide the fact that he was in love with you and wasn’t sure you were gay.”  
  
“Shut up,” Dean whispered through clenched teeth,

“What are you talking about, Gabriel?” Cas asked in confusion,

“He does. Dean. He loves you, just like you love him.”  
  
“I said shut up!” He shouted, standing up and turning away from them, “Just shut up. Stop lying. _Please._ ” Dean begged, his voice becoming quieter as they saw his shoulders began to shake. Gabe sighed, realising he had gone too far and stood up, he reached out, placing a hand on Dean’s back in comfort,

“I’m sorry, Dean-o,” Said boy snorted maliciously through his tears,

“No, you’re not.” Dean turned to face the shorter, yet older man. His eyes red and puffy as tears continued to drip down his cheeks, the group were in shock, never had they seen Dean cry -even Sam was surprised, he could count the number of times he had seen Dean cry on one hand, “You never know when to stop.” 

“You should tell him. Keeping this shit inside ain’t good for you. And you shouldn’t do this to yourself, you shouldn’t be changing who you are for someone else.” Michael said, adding his thought as he looked at Dean, who was slowly breaking down

“So what? I saw the look on my parents face when I brought my report card home, they were happy! They were proud of me! They weren’t disappointed for once, because on that card instead of the usual ‘he could do better’ or ‘he talks too much’, the card only said, ‘he’s quiet.’ Nothing else, it was more of a compliment than a problem!”  
  
“De…mum and dad are proud of you, you don’t need to change,” Sam whispered, reaching out to his brother,  
  
“Can someone please tell me who Dean’s in love with?” Cas raised his voice, getting fed up with everyone knowing and not him,

“Oh for god's sake, Cas. It’s you!” Shouted Dean, “For fuck's sake, I’m in love with you, I have been ever since you moved here all those years ago. Watching you and _Meg_ -” He spat the name out making Cas flinch ever so slightly, “-make out broke my fucking heart! It led me to compare myself with every other fucking student in our year. Made me go insane thinking everyone else was smarter, more interesting, nicer and all that! So yes, I decided to change -but not for you _buddy_!” He pointed a finger in Cas’ direction, “No, no. Just watching you both and upon realisation that I wasn’t good enough made me want to improve. Made me want to be someone that made my parents proud. So I began to study, once I started, it became easier. I found that it was best if I remained quiet because people often complained about my comments. My loud and brash attitude was chucked down the drain. Even if the realisation made me lose you.” 

“You didn’t lose me, Dean.” Came Castiel’s quiet response,

“You’re right.” That surprised the group, who just remained quiet. “I didn’t lose you because you were never mine, to begin with.” They remained silent, taking in everything Dean had said as Dean turned abruptly on his heel and left the room, he was heading to his own home and to his bed. 

The green-eyed beauty passed out the moment he collapsed on his bed after he’d thrown his jeans and shoes off, shrugging his jacket away and letting the clothes fall to the ground in a clutter, leaving him in his boxers and t-shirt. He found that he was exhausted, the breakdown and drama had taken its toll on him.

 

**——LINE BREAK——**

 

No one spoke verbally about the incident. But the tension that surrounded them all was a clear sign that they all were thinking about it. Dean just held his bag tighter and drifted through lessons, though he still did well with his studies, he had eased up on his friends. Laughing, smiling and joking with them. Though what Dean didn’t do was tell anyone about the letters and gifts he was receiving the week following the incident. It was obvious that they were from Cas even if there was no signature. Dean had noticed that Cas had stopped hanging out with Meg and them all. In fact, Cas was just a loner, often hanging out with Sam -who more or less forced Cas to join him.

 

On the first Monday since the incident, Dean arrived home to a box containing lots of candy, all of which he loved. There was also a short letter beneath all of the sugary goods.

 

 _‘I need to explain._  
_However, I find myself unable to meet your beautiful eyes._  
_The freckles scattered distract me from speaking._  
_The shame I feel,_  
_consumes me._  
_I can only ask that I find the courage_  
_to explain to your flawless face,_  
_the reasons that led to  
_ _my mistake.’_

 

Dean kept the note in the shoebox before he binged on candy and ‘Dr Sexy.’

 

Tuesday came and once again when Dean entered the house, there was another box by the front door, addressed to him. Inside was an empty album. Dean frowned in confusion at the blank pages but shrugged his shoulders.

 

 _‘I was a fool._  
_I hid._  
_I was ashamed._  
_I was scared.  
_ _Yet that was love.’_

 

As much as the gift confused him, the note made him smile slightly.

 

Wednesday brought a lavender coloured rose and a photo. It was one he remembered Charlie taking when he, Cas, Benny and obviously Charlie were having a movie marathon at the red-heads. Dean ended up falling asleep with his head on Cas’ shoulder. The photo he now held was the result of that. When they had fallen asleep, no one woke them as Benny and Charlie shortly followed, by morning Cas had an arm around Dean, who laid on Cas’ chest. It was a rather cute photo. One that Dean immediately put in his empty photo album.

 

 _‘A rose to tell you_  
_it was love at first sight._  
_A photo with a memory  
_ _I hope to replicate.’_

 

Dean’s eyebrows lifted at the subtle yet not subtle hint at a relationship and future together. A flutter in his stomach and a smile on his face, Dean placed the note in the box with the other two.

 

Thursday gifted him with two photos. One was a strip like you get at a photo booth, only Cas had made it.

The other was when they had been over at Cas’ house studying for an exam in their first high school year, Dean didn’t even know it existed, but it was of the two of them asleep at the dining table, their heads were next to each other, their hair mixing together. It was a rather cute and innocent photo.

 

 _‘We’ve been close for so long,_  
_how did I never realise_  
_my feelings for you_  
_were  
_ _reciprocated?’_

 

It was confirmed. Cas did love Dean. A grin stretched across his face. Maybe, maybe he could go and let Cas explain why he did what he did. He placed the next two photos into his album.

 

Friday’s gift was different. On his bed lay a bouquet of notes and photos. Picking up several notes, what he read made him smile. Gently reading them all, he placed them in the shoe box before delicately sticking the pictures in his photo album. As he went to place the rubbish in the bin, he spied another note.

 

 _‘Please meet me at our spot  
_ _at 7 pm tonight.’_

 

And so he did.

 

**——LINE BREAK——**

 

Dean drove down to the wooded area where ‘their spot’ was located. Hidden by nature was a meadow of flowers. One large oak tree stood in the centre and that was where he and Castiel often hung out. It was an area where they could watch the sun go to sleep and watch as the moon awoke with all the stars. It was truly a beautiful sight.

 

“Hello, Dean.” The green-eyed man jumped, clearly startled by Cas,

“Cas…”  
  
“I would like to explain…please do not interrupt.” Dean nodded, suddenly finding that he couldn’t speak. “I fell in love with you the first time we hung out. You were -are truly amazing and as we grew closer, I couldn’t help but fall deeply for you. Then at the start of this year, I began to grow worried, you had never acted on your feelings and I was too scared to ruin our relationship that I decided to try and forget it. I dated Meg for a little bit to try and forget about my feelings for you. It did not work. I tried to lessen my time around you, not acknowledging your existence…” He paused, looking up at the shining moon and stars that winked down at them. “I am ashamed of my actions. To know that they hurt you so much is truly unforgivable. Since learning this, I have been trying to find ways to make it up to you…”  
  
“I loved the notes…and the gifts…” Dean whispered, Cas turned his blue eyes to Dean, the two stared deeply into the other’s as though looking at their soul,

“I am glad.” He took a deep breath, keeping his eyes locked on Dean’s “I am sorry. I am so, so sorry for the pain I have caused you. It was unfair.”

“I forgive you, Cas.”  
  
“You shouldn’t. I broke your heart.”  
  
“Still, I believe you broke your own heart by trying to hide your feelings.” There was a silence, their gaze drifting back towards the night sky. With a deep breath, Cas turned to Dean once more.

“I love you.” Dean froze, a grin covering his blushing face, he could hear Cas’ breath, feeling it against his skin as they leaned in. Lips touching and sparks flying. When they broke away, foreheads touching.

“Next time, Cas. Just tell me how you feel.”  
  
“Only if you do too.” 

“I will.” They paused, Cas felt a pit in his stomach as Dean never said those three words back to him, Cas started to lean backwards, only to find that Dean had a hand on the back of his head, making it difficult to move his head, “And Cas…I love you too.” The smile that danced across both of their faces was large and they continued to kiss under the shimmering night sky. 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading,  
> Hope you enjoyed this,  
> Please leave a kudos and a comment,  
> Bye!


End file.
